DNF

by on Mar.27, 2019, under Blog


It’s well past midnight, and there’s a lot on my mind after the events of the past 24 odd hours or so. Either way… I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning and face the world.

Alarm went at 6:30am this morning… hit snooze then set it for 7:30am. Went off again at 7:30 – hit snooze again and set it for 8:30. As you can see there’s a theme happening here. I just didn’t want to get out of bed and head to work and face the day. It was going to be a good day too… Wednesday’s are a bit of fun but today – I didn’t want to get out of bed. I didn’t want to do anything.

Craig Ferguson once said “I try and live my life in bite-size chunks. It was a lesson I had to learn when I got sober, but then it became a way of life, a philosophy — live your life a day at a time. Especially because the temptation, especially when you’re doing OK, is to think, ‘In a couple of years I’m gonna get this, and then I’ll have this.’ And then what?” and it’s one I subscribe to a lot – or at least I like to think I do.

Last year on the fifth anniversary of my engagement ending (I like to think of it as my contract wasn’t renewed after the initial fanfare of 10/11/12) I wasn’t having the best of days. Normally I tend to suck it up and try and soldier on and get through the day and face the 11th with it well in the rear view. But for some reason November 10th 2018 was a dark cloud over my head – nonetheless I didn’t really know what to do so I headed in to a place where I have nothing but good memories and did a little VLOG on Facebook just to get what was in my head out there.

It was the best thing I ever did.

Here I am now, sort of in that same mood. My mind racing, tired but I can’t sleep, every song so cliched just hitting all the feel spots you don’t want them to. A flood of memories are stuck in my head – good ones too, in fact I don’t have any bad ones – yet they bring that dark cloud over my head again. The amount of times I ducked out of the office (when I finally trundled in there around 11:30ish) for fresh air to reset yesterday was countless.

Eff me, I had to fight back crying on walking back to the office getting coffees. Wasn’t hungry at all and goddammit it was ages til home time. “C’mon Nims – get a grip!”

In my work on The Driver’s Seat I’ve acquired a love for V8 Supercars and in my short time as a fan of the sport one thing I’ve learnt is that it’s bloody hard to be competitive in a race car. On a grid of 24 plus Supercars there can only be one winner. Getting into the top ten is a challenge, hell you’d be stoked to get a podium finish too! But a race win? If everything lines up your way and you get to the top step of that podium then life’s pretty damn good!

If we continue that analogy then for the last few months I was bloody Jamie Whincup and there was always a reason to be smiling. But Tuesday night, Jamie went straight into the wall – DNF. Race done. Zero points.

The real Jamie Whincup, not my tenuous link of me being Jamie Whincup has had shunts and issues that took him out of the race. Hell his debut season was so putrid that Garry Rogers his team boss showed him the door. But when Jamie had a bad day at the track… he came back. He didn’t give up. You cant win any more races unless you are on the grid.

Similarly to Jamie Whincup (we’re coming to the end of my Supercars analogy) I had a team behind me to get me back on the grid. I’m lucky to have friends and family that don’t care how “second verse, same as the first” most of the issues I face are and always have an ear for me. Friends that have their own things going on that they kindly put on pause no matter where they are or what they were doing saw a busted car and chipped in to try and rebuild it and for that I really appreciate it.

At the end of the day, it is what it is and looking at my rear view mirror (I really didn’t expect this many car analogies) there was some incredible times – ones that I will cherish and have fond memories of. Happiness really and for that I’m glad. I don’t know what tomorrow brings but thanks to some great support at least I want to get out of bed tomorrow!


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