Top 20 Bond Films (Originally posted 31.05.2006)

by on May.27, 2021, under Repost

Back in the heyday of Whoisthefezz I used to write a lot of posts from video game reviews, to recaps of nights out with pictures. Because I’m very much a digital hoarder as much as I am an actual hoarder I thought I’d do a few retro reposts to pass time during lockdown… updated for 2021 of course becaue it seems Nims in his 20s didn’t mind the odd effing and jeffing!

So without further ado I present the first Whoisthefezz Retro Repost: The Nims Top 20 Bond Films… in a slightly modified form!(Shout out to my buddy Ashlee for playing the role of a Bond girl back in 2006… man I had a head of hair back then didnt I?)

You know the name, you know the number. But you don’t know the most important thing. Just what is my opinion on those twenty films? Join us as the man in the white pants rates movies with the man in the tuxedo. From the suavity (is that a f***ing word?) of Connery, the “I will f*** you up if you dont give me information” attitude of Dalton, the slapstick of Roger Moore, the domo-arigato Mr. Roboto acting of Brosnan to the “I’m not worthy of being in the same room let alone series of films as Sean Connery” of Lazenby all is examined in The Nims Top Twenty Bond Films – This was done before Casino Royale bear in mind… if anyone asks I rank that in my Top 5.

Die Another Day (2002)
CGI MOTHERFUCKER CGI!! The twentieth Bond, 40th anniversary blah blah blah. Die Another Day infuriates me for a number of reasons. First off with all of the other 19 Bond DVDs this one doesnt even match the scheme [2021 Edit: I meant on the DVD spine]. Never Say Never Again and Casino Royale even fit in with the other 19 DVDs! It’s like the people at EON went “Well we know you dont want to keep this next to the other good Bonds”. Halle Berry, Bond Girl? Eugh. It’s not all bad though. I mean I’ve always wanted to see Bond climb out of the CGI Ocean with a f***ing huge beard. And lets face it, everyone enjoys seeing our favourite MI6 Agent BEATEN AND TOURTURED BY KOREANS. You’re James F***ing Bond. [2021 Edit: Might need to do some heavy editing on the repost methinks…]
The redeeming feature of this film that brings it a tad higher than Never Say Never Again is John Cleese as Q.

Moonraker (1979)

Ahh Roger Moore. I’ll give him credit where credit is due. Lets face it.. without Roger Moore we wouldn’t be having a 40th Anniversary for James Bond. Sure most of his Bonds were hilarious in a “we didnt mean them to be hilarious” way. Moonraker is quite a guilty pleasure in my book. I mean the idea of LASER SPACEFIGHT seems like a good idea on paper… actually no. No it doesnt. One thing I was glad to find out that Moonraker the film shares very little in common with Moonraker the Ian Flaming novel. Because otherwise I’d be digging up Mr Fleming’s grave screaming at him. Nonetheless theres some good points in this film. Like the sexual double entendres by Q and the brilliance of Dr. Goodhead as a Bond girl. And the “You know him?” “Not socially… his names Jaws. He kills people.” line by Roger Moore always brings a smile to my face. The LASER SPACEFIGHT and Jaws and his girlfriend and of course Jaws only speaking line which  KILLS HIS GODDAM CHARACTER DEAD not only removes the aforementioned smile but smears rancid faeces all over it and then applies lipstick and takes embarrasing photos.

The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)
Good but not great. Now I’m aware Kevin McClory is a vengeful bastard who sits there clutching the ownership rights to Ernst Stavro Blofeld and SPECTRE as he cries himself to sleep while MGM and EON rake in the profits of the six people that bought Never Say Never Again accidently seeing it as having Sean Connery and thinking its a real Bond film. So I know you couldn’t really use Blofeld as the villan. However using him anyway and calling him Karl Stromberg isnt making it any better. Now I’m not a big fan of TSWLM but it did introduce Jaws to the franchise and lets face it. He’s one tough bastard. I mean no matter what Bond throws at him he just doesnt seem to be able to be killed. Theres some amusing lines delivered by Roger Moore as per usual though. And I liked it better than Moonraker. Mainly cause underwater battles seem a tad more buyable than OUTER SPACE LASER FIGHTS

The World Is Not Enough (1999)
Fifteen minutes. Thats all it takes to lift expectations of what a Brosnan Bond will be. And how it horribly dies after that. Not that I dont like TWINE. I mean it has a brilliant abbreviation thats easy to pronounce. TWINE. Say it. TWINE. Its almost as good as the one for House Of The Dead (HotD) but we’re not discussing Sega games here. Just sub par Bonds. Well TWINE isn’t that bad. Although Denise Richards should join Halle Berry on the “Shouldn’t be in the same room as a Bond DVD let alone a Bond film” list. Still there’s some good points in this film. However the aforementioned 15 minutes… well it’s not enough. Heh. I like that one.

On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (1969)
You gotta love George Lazenby don’t you. Sure OHMSS is well… not that good, and has the worst continuity in the fact that Blofeld doesnt appear to recognize Bond despite meeting him previously in You Only Live Twice but that’s not Lazenby’s fault. But OHMSS does have some main points of importance. First of all George Lazenby is the worldwide standard of idiotic decisions rating. I mean you tell someone that you’ve pulled a Lazenby and I’m fairly sure they know what you mean. And of course the introduction of Bond’s wife. Sure he might be a practically ageless character but one bit of continuity does link up every Bond. The death of his wife. The fact that Bond had a wife is the only thing that remains constant through all of the Bonds be it Connery, Dalton, Moore or Brosnan and the fact that it was a Lazenby film that established this amuses me to great amounts. But yes… I duno how so many people can see this as a great and “possibly the BEST OF ALL THE BONDS”. Hmmm… still John Barry’s OHMSS theme is fantastic.

Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)

I was quite a fan of Tommorow Never Dies. It’s not as good as GoldenEye but it was a worthy followup. I don’t have that great a hate for Tomorrow Never Dies that I do for the other Brosnan’s but it was an interesting concept. The whole Media mogul thats causing a world war merely so he can get exclusive global TV rights in the real world seems rather far fetched [2021 Edit: LOL]. But in the Bond world it seems a hell of a lot more believable than say a new race of perfectly bred humans launched from space and invisible cars. However Brosnan, like Roger Moore, is a different Bond for a different generation. However it also introduces the previous generation to a whole new era of disappointment.

The Man With The Golden Gun (1974)

Not many people like this. I, on the other hand, quite enjoyed The Man With The Golden Gun. Maybe it was a three nippled Count Dooku or the fact that Roger Moore looks like someone’s dad in this film but I was quite a fan of The Man With The Golden Gun. Nick Nack freaks the hell out of me though. Scaramanga also seems to be one hell of a worthy Bond villan. I mean comeon. One bullet man. One golden bullet will knock you the f *** out bitch! And the way Roger Moore reacts when first challenged by the chong in the dojo remains hilarious. Oh and the final duel beetween Scaramanga and Roger Moore left me at the edge of my seat.

A View To A Kill (1985)

Yes I know Roger Moore looks old in A View To A Kill and the scene with him flirting with Miss Moneypenny looks like someone put spanish fly in the coffee at the retirement village. But for c’mon this movie had Christopher Walken as the villan. Christopher Walken. Nonetheless wether it’s the Duran Duran theme song or the fact that Walken scares the hell out of me I enjoyed A View To A Kill. Only Walken can pull off a Nazi experimentation psychotic baby grown up as a super intelligent French business man and still have you scared shitless of him. Yes I know it sounds ridiculous but it’s Christopher Walken that makes it so fucking good.

Thunderball (1965)

Thunderball leaves a sour taste in my mouth. Yes… I like it and all but out of all the Connery’s I’m not that big a fan. I mean its got a good teaser at the beginning, great one liners, brillant Connery delivery, superb villans like Domino, Largo and SPECTRE and whatnot but I don’t know what the hell puts me off Thunderball. Dont get me wrong… I wont dread watching it like say… Die Another Day but perhaps its the overdose of underwater scenes annoy me. No actually it is the underwater scenes. Thunderball is the only Connery out of the top ten. But you hafta admit… say the title THUNDERBALL out loud… its fucking brilliant isnt it?

Licence To Kill (1989)

I’m going to say it right now. Timothy Dalton is one ugly bastard. Seriously as Bond goes Timothy Dalton remains the ugliest motherfucker on the planet next to Predator. With that aside I’m also going to say that Dalton is one f***ing bad-ass. Ever heard of the phrase Dalt-OWNED? Probably not since I invented it. But watch the Dalton Bonds and see just how much of a bad ass he is. I mean you f*** with his friend and he will hunt your ass down and kill you. Not just kill you but douse you in f***ing petrol and set you on fire. Some dont like Licence To Kill but I definately mean it when I pull out the cliched “The Best Bond Since Connery” to describe Dalton.

Live And Let Die (1973)

“Bourbon… no ice”. This one didnt really catch on as a catchphrase did it Roger? Ahh the first and only blaxploitation Bond film, Live and Let die features quite a cavalcade of amusing things that made this a enjoyable film for me. I can see how they’d hafta really make sure this film wasnt Lazenbeed (Once again.. thanks George for the brillance in versatility your name has become since you did OHMSS) and despite a stupid slide whistle sound effect during the car flip, seeing Roger Moore in Harlem, Bond cheating in Tarot cards in order to hook in with Solitare, Tee Hee and his mechanical Lego hand all makes up for it. Plus I wonder if Bond listens to the Live And Let Die theme with earmuffs on…

For Your Eyes Only (1981)

I liked this film from the moment the gun barrell segued into the teaser. You know why… three words. Ernst Stavro Blofeld. Not only do we see the return of possibly the greatest Bond villan of all time but we see another mention of Bond’s late wife Tracy. The teaser rules nonetheless with Blofeld finally getting his comeuppance… and EON essentially telling Kevin McClory, “You know what? To hell with you and your SPECTRE and Blofeld…. we dont need it”. Also Blofelds line of saying he’ll give Bond a delicatessen if he lets him go remains hilarious even to this day. Thats just the teaser. If I paid to see that I’d be happy and then I’d leave (something that I should’ve done while watching TWINE) but For Your Eyes Only kicks it up a bigger notch too. Maybe its the fact that Moonraker preceeded it but For Your Eyes Only ruled. Theres just the right amount of underwater scenes that doesnt drag it into THUNDERBALL territory and I love Bond killing people in cold blood (perhaps thats why I love Mr. Ugly Dalton). For Your Eyes Only might very well be Moore’s best outing as Bond… but I do still like Octopussy better.

The Living Daylights (1987)

AHHHHHHH-HHHHHH-A-HHHHHHHHH… THE LIVING DAY-LIGHTS! Its not just the themesong I liked but a new era begins as Timothy Dalton dons the tux and yeah I’m going to say it… does a damn good job. Its just a damn shame that he’s so fucking ugly. However Dalton’s Bond is a Bond who kicks arse. Seriously… would you fuck with Timothy Dalton? If it were Connery he’d have some quips for you, Moore would probably ask you very nicely but you got information that Dalton wants you know what would happen? He would break into your hotel room, terrorise your girlfriend then shoot the crap out of you. It’s very appropriate that The Living Daylights and Licence To Kill were Dalton’s two swansongs as his Bond WILL excercise his licence to kill and will scare the living daylights out of you. Wether you’re a hot ass cello player or one of his patrons in his Pancake Parlour.

GoldenEye (1995)

The movie that introduced a whole new generation the wonders of Bond… James Bond. Brosnan’s finest and only two hours of Bond you will see. GoldenEye had the daunting task of keeping the Bond name out in the post Cold War era. This was the 90s. SPECTRE was long gone… the Russians are actually in our sides and lets face it… every single Ian Fleming novel and short story minus Casino Royale had been used in the previous sixteen films and people were reeling at the loss of Timothy Dalton as 007… okay the last one I made up but it’s been six years since Licence To Kill was released… was anyone ready for a new Bond? GoldenEye appeared in 1995 and for most of us was probably the first Bond film we’ve seen at a cinema. Well GoldenEye met the expectations of the Bond franchise and produced a solid effort all round. The gadgets, the new Moneypenny, new M and classic Q made this the Bond of the new generation. What a shame that it all went downhill after that.

Dr. No (1962)

I’ve got a great amount of respect for Dr. No. It’s the one that got the ball rolling and in one movie we are introduced to Bond. James Bond. Make no mistake Sean Connery is James Bond. From the exotic locations to Honey Rider emerging from the ocean in the iconic white bikini with a hunting knife Dr. No gives the audience exactly what we want to see. And does it so damn right as well. The classic introduction to Bond at the card table, Bond and Sylvia Trench, Bond setting up Dent and playing Solitare to pass the time before he kills him in cold blood, the cockiness towards Dr. No despite the fact that the good Doctor has him well and truly at his mercy, and man, just watch the movie to see how in simply one film you are able to understand just who the fuck James Bond 007 is. And that soap and hot water will cure you of radiation poisioning.

Octopussy (1983)

I dont care what anybody says but I love Octopussy. It’s the biggest guilty pleasure for me to watch over and over and it always will be. Octopussy is my favourite Roger Moore Bond flick for one clear reason. It showcases exactly whats wrong with Roger Moore as Ian Fleming’s James Bond 007. Octopussy is borderline slapstick in some if not all parts which make it the funniest Bond flick in the franchise. Every line should be accompanied by a laugh track its that ridiculous. Roger Moore looks to be more in character for his role in The Cannonball Run than as James Bond 007. And lets not forget Bond using crafty MI6 gadgets to perve on cleavage! Oh HO! That wacky Roger Moore. The icing on the cake is Bond defusing a nuke… dressed as a clown. Oh yes. Everything wrong with Octopussy is what makes it all right in my book and my favourite Roger Moore Bond flick.

From Russia With Love (1963)

It’s 1962 and you’ve seen that fantastic new James Bond film Dr. No. That has only wet your appetite for the main course of 007. Then along comes 1963 and From Russia With Love is released. As Steve-O says “Imagine seeing FRWL after watching Dr. No, wouldnt that be the greatest sequel you would ever see. Then it would be followed up by Goldfinger” and I have to agree. The quality of Bond films in the 60s wasnt just upping the bar but throwing them into orbit. FRWL is an AWESOME movie from the plot of SPECTRE trying to get revenge on 007 for killing Dr. No (early Bonds… Continuity a go go!) by setting him up, the AWESOME fucking fight on the Orient Express beetween 007 and Red Grant where you actually believe that these two want to kill each other. It doesnt have the choreography that normal movie fights do. It’s simply two men fighting for their lives. Thats just the tip of the iceberg. Bond’s coldness towards Tania shows that he’s not a lovestruck fool but well aware when he’s being played and he has no intention of it continuing. I would go on and on but FRWL is AWESOME!

Diamonds Are Forever (1971)

Diamonds Are Forever… some regard this as the worst of the Connerys. To those people I say to them “Watch Thunderball” but you know I could see why you wouldnt like DAF. I mean lets face it Sean’s no spring chicken in this. Father time did something that SPECTRE couldnt and beat the everloving shit out of 007 in this one. Sean looks absolutely horrible in this film and for some reason they keep using that horrible shot of him pulling the gun on Blofeld where he has like 700 chins. Still despite all this why does DAF rank in at number three on my list? Simple. It’s a fun night out. Aside from the horrendous nature in which Sean looks, Bond on the other hand looks like he’s having the time of his life. I mean really how can you not help but chuckle at the great moments like M shutting down Bond when he admits he knows nothing about diamonds? Or what I think is the greatest line in the movie when Tiffany asks Bond if Peter Franks is dead and he replies “I sincerely hope so”. Heres another interesting fact for you. Diamonds Are Forever always has customers stop and watch in Assy G IGA Liquor.

You Only Live Twice (1967)

Lewis Gilbert’s one and only Connery and my what a great job he did. If you’ve read the novel then you’re probably Freemo. But if you havent then you would have no idea that aside from Japan and Tiger Tanaka this film really has no connection to its Ian Fleming counterpart. Nonetheless I dont care what anyone says YOLT ranks very highly in my books for two things. Firstly its Bond in Japan. Something that really needs to be done again (Bond on location, not Bond in Japan specifically) and secondly it has to be one of the greatest final battle in a Bond film ever, SPECTRE’s hideout in the hollowed out volcano. You Only Live Twice is the sole reason that I really dislike TSWLM as well cause lets face it TSWLM is pretty much YOLT underwater. YOLT also did something fresh with the series cause lets face it… the Bond formula was getting pretty repetititve. I know I was bored when Thunderball rolled along.

Goldfinger (1964)

Yes it’s cliched and EVERYBODY and their dog rates Goldfinger as the best Bond movie but I dont care. Goldfinger remains my favourite Bond movie for one thing. Sean Connery does pretty much nothing in it. Yes you can cite the brilliant teaser where Bond has the dinner jacket underneath his wetsuit, the way he pwns Goldfinger, Oddjob, the DB5, Jill Masterson, Pussy Galore and jesus christ every other reason that made Goldfinger great but no. It’s the fact that Sean Connery pretty much seduces women in a flattering powder blue towely one piece jumpsuit, pretty much forces himself on Pussy Galore in a barn and lets not forget simply outwits Goldfinger’s guards by hiding behind a door that makes Goldfinger the definitive Bond film and Sean Connery the definitive Bond.

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